Parenting Through Grief: How to Help Your Child Grieve When You Are Grieving Too

Hello. Welcome to your favorite cyber-corner, Stevensays. Grief is a very sensitive subject. Everyone grieves differently. However, grief hits differently when it is your child who is grieving; yet, you don't know how to respond. You feel hopeless and helpless. Should you engage or should you give your child their space. Here is a real live situation:

She sat across from me, hands wrapped around a mug of tea that had long gone cold. "She hasn't cried," my client said softly. "Not once. Not even at the funeral." Her daughter Maya was nine years old and had lost her father three weeks earlier — suddenly, without warning, to a cardiac arrest. One ordinary morning, he was there. By afternoon, he was gone.

In the weeks since, Maya had gone back to school. She ate her meals. She laughed at her favourite cartoons. And yet her mother sat in my office, frightened — not because her daughter was falling apart, but because she wasn't. "Is something wrong with her?" she asked. "Should she be crying more?"

What this mother was seeing was not the absence of grief. It was grief doing what it often does in children — hiding in plain sight. And this mother, while barely holding herself together, was trying with everything she had to reach her daughter. Her question is one I hear often: "How do I help my child when I can barely help myself?"

If you are asking that same question, this blog is for you.

What Is Grief, Really?

Most of us think of grief as sadness. And yes, sadness is part of it. But grief is much bigger than that. It is the whole messy, unpredictable experience of losing someone you love — the sadness, yes, but also the anger, the confusion, the guilt, the numbness, the moments of feeling completely fine followed by moments of being blindsided by a wave of pain you did not see coming.

Grief is not a problem to be solved or a phase to be rushed through. It is a natural human response to love and loss. The reason it hurts so much is because the relationship mattered so much. Understanding that can sometimes be the first step toward giving yourself — and your child — a little more grace.

You may be familiar with the idea of "stages of grief" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages, introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, have given many people a helpful framework for making sense of what they are experiencing. But grief rarely moves in a neat, predictable line. Most people move back and forth between different feelings, sometimes in the same hour. That is completely normal.

Grief does not follow a schedule. Healing is not linear, and there is no "right" way to grieve — for you or for your child.

What grief researchers do tell us is that most people carry grief in two ways at the same time: they move between sitting with the pain of the loss and getting on with the practical demands of daily life. Both are necessary.

The parent who weeps at night and still packs their child's lunchbox in the morning is not being inconsistent — they are surviving, and that is enough.

For some people, grief becomes prolonged and deeply disabling — lasting well beyond what feels manageable, and making it very difficult to function in day-to-day life.

If you or your child reaches that point, it is a sign that professional support is needed, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for it.

Grief Looks Different for Everyone

One of the most isolating things about grief is the feeling that you are doing it wrong — that you are crying too much, or not enough; that you should be "over it" by now; that other people seem to be managing better than you are.

The truth is that grief is shaped by so many things: your personality, your relationship with the person you lost, how they died, your faith or beliefs, your culture, the support around you, and your own history with loss. None of those things are the same for any two people — which means no two people will grieve in exactly the same way, and that includes the two people living in the same house.

Some people are vocal in their grief — they cry openly, they want to talk about it, they need to process out loud. Others are quieter — they grieve internally, they channel their feelings into doing things, they may not want to discuss it at all.

Research tells us that neither approach is healthier than the other. Both are valid. The challenge in a family is when those styles clash — when one parent needs to talk and the other needs silence, or when a parent expects their child to grieve the way they do and is worried when they don't.

Culture also plays a powerful role. Some families and communities have rich traditions around death and mourning — rituals, gatherings, open expressions of emotion — that provide real comfort and connection. Others may carry the message, spoken or unspoken, that grief should be private and brief. If you find yourself or your child feeling pressure to "move on" before you are ready, it is worth gently examining where that pressure is coming from.

How Children Grieve — And Why It Looks So Different

Here is one of the most important things to understand about children and grief: they do not grieve the way adults do, and that can be genuinely confusing and frightening for parents.

Children often grieve in what professionals call "doses" — they dip into the pain, feel it for a while, and then come back up for air. They might cry one minute and then ask to go outside and play the next. That is not a sign that they do not care or that they are not grieving. It is simply how their minds protect them, processing loss in amounts they can manage at a time.

The way a child understands and expresses grief also depends on their age and stage of development:

Very Young Children (Under 5)

Very young children do not yet understand that death is permanent. They may ask repeatedly where the person has gone and when they are coming back. They pick up on the emotional atmosphere around them — they know something is very wrong even if they cannot name it — and they may become clingy, fussy, or regress to earlier behaviours like bedwetting or thumb-sucking. They need reassurance, comfort, and consistent routine above all else.

Primary School Age (6–11)

Children this age are starting to understand that death is real and permanent, and that it can happen to anyone — including people they love, and including themselves. This can be frightening. Like Maya, many children this age appear to be coping fine on the outside while carrying a great deal inside. They may not have the words for what they feel, or they may be trying to protect their grieving parent by not adding to their pain. Watch for signs like stomachaches, headaches, difficulty sleeping, or changes at school. These are often how grief speaks when words are not available.

Teenagers (12–18)

Teenagers often grieve in ways that look confusing to parents. They may seem fine one day and devastated the next. They may pull away from family and turn to friends instead. They may throw themselves into schoolwork or sport, or they may disengage from everything. Some teenagers feel a strong pressure to be "the strong one" in the family — especially if they are the eldest, or if they sense that their parent is struggling. It is important to let your teenager know that they do not have to carry that weight.

Grief, in regards to children and adults, does not end when the funeral does. It resurfaces at birthdays, holidays, and milestones for years to come. That is not a sign that something has gone wrong — it is a sign that the love is still there.

Practical Ways to Help Your Child Through Grief

You do not have to be a grief expert to help your child. You do not have to have all the answers or say all the right things. What your child needs most is your presence, your honesty, and your willingness to walk alongside them — even when it is hard. Here are some practical ways to do that.

1. Tell Them the Truth, Gently

It is tempting to protect children from the full reality of death — to say someone "went to sleep" or "passed away" or "is in a better place." These phrases are well-intentioned, but they can confuse young children and sometimes create fears of their own (a child told that grandma "went to sleep" may become afraid to go to sleep themselves). Use clear, honest language: "Daddy died. That means his body stopped working and he is not coming back. It is very sad, and it is okay to feel sad about it." Adjust how much detail you share based on your child's age, but do not be afraid of the word "died."

2. Keep Routines as Normal as Possible

When the world feels like it has fallen apart, routine is an anchor. Try to keep mealtimes, bedtimes, and school schedules as consistent as you can. This does not mean pretending everything is fine — it means giving your child the message that even in the hardest times, life continues and they are safe. Predictability is deeply comforting to grieving children.

3. Let Them See You Grieve — Within Reason

You do not need to hide your sadness from your child. In fact, letting them see you cry — and then seeing you wipe your tears and keep going — is one of the most powerful lessons you can offer. It tells them that grief is normal, that it is okay to feel sad, and that it is possible to survive it. What is important is balance: your child should not feel like they need to take care of you or manage your emotions. If your grief is overwhelming, lean on other adults — friends, family, a counsellor — so that you can still be present for your child.

4. Talk About the Person Who Died

Many parents avoid mentioning the deceased because they are afraid it will upset their child. In reality, most children are relieved and comforted when the person they lost is spoken about openly. Say their name. Share memories. Look at photos together. Ask your child what they remember. Keeping the person present in your family's conversation does not make the grief worse — it honours the love, and it gives your child permission to hold onto their memories.

5. Follow Your Child's Lead

Some children will want to talk about their feelings constantly. Others will not want to talk at all — and that is okay too. Grief can also be expressed through play, drawing, writing, music, or physical activity. Let your child show you what they need. Create opportunities for conversation without forcing them — a quiet moment during a car ride, a question at bedtime, an activity you do together. And when they do open up, listen more than you speak.

6. Include Them in Routines and Remembrance

Children benefit from being included in rituals around death — whether that is attending the funeral (with preparation and a choice), lighting a candle on anniversaries, creating a memory box, writing a letter to the person who died, or planting something in their memory. These rituals give children a concrete way to express their love and process the loss. If your child will be attending a funeral or memorial, take time to explain what they will see and hear, and let them know it is okay if they feel sad — or if they feel nothing at all.

7. Know When to Get Extra Help

Most children will move through grief with the support of the loving adults in their lives. But sometimes children need more support than a parent can provide alone — and that is not a failure, it is wisdom. Consider reaching out to a child therapist or grief counsellor if your child: has prolonged sleep difficulties or nightmares; withdraws completely from friends and activities; starts declining significantly at school; expresses guilt or believes they caused the death; or says anything about wanting to die or be with the person who died. These are signs that your child needs and deserves professional support.

You Are Enough

A few weeks after we began working together, my client came in looking lighter. Maya had been sitting in the kitchen while her mother cooked dinner, and out of nowhere she had asked: "Mum, can Dad still see me from heaven?"

Her mother had paused, set down her spoon, and sat beside her daughter at the table. "I like to think so," she had said. And then Maya had leaned into her, and they had cried together for the first time.

That moment did not happen because this mother had said the perfect thing or followed a script. It happened because she had shown up, day after day, in the midst of her own grief — steady enough for her daughter to finally feel safe enough to fall apart.

You do not need to be a perfect parent to help your child through grief. You need to be a present one. You do not need to have the answers. You need to be willing to sit in the questions alongside them.

That, more than anything else, is what your child needs from you. And if you are reading this, you are already doing it.

If you or your child are struggling with grief and would like support, please consider reaching out to a licensed counselor or therapist. You do not have to navigate this alone.

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